7 posts tagged “tubal ligation”

So it's been a little while and I'm almost completely recovered from the surgery... the doctor and all the nurses had told me that I'd be fine to go to work on Monday (surgery was Friday) but they LIED to me.  I was in so much pain that all I could do for a few days was sit around and grope for the bottle of Lortab.

I was a little concerned by the anesthesiologist... she was going over the drugs to which I'm allergic or sensitive, and asked me about my problem with benzodiazepines.  That particular class of medicine (Xanax, Klonopin, Valium, etc etc) makes me have uncontrollable muscle spasms, so obviously I avoid them.  She commented it was odd that I can't take those, yet I can take Ambien, which she explained "was really a benzo."  That... is not true.  She was about to pump me full of happy drugs so I really didn't argue, but until I got that Fentanyl in my IV, I was a tad apprehensive.

I woke up from the surgery sobbing with pain; the nice nurse who began pumping more drugs into my body explained that it was from the tissue dying (I had my tubes banded, so no blood flow = dead tissue) and that it "is more painful than labor but the doctors never seem to tell anybody about it."  What...the...fuck.  It took an hour full of more Fentanyl, then Dilaudid, then Demerol before I finally passed out again.

The doctor should have been way more responsible in explaining the whole procedure to me.  I don't mind the fact that it hurt; after all, I had surgery.  That kind of thing tends to hurt.  What's bad is that I wasn't expecting it to be so painful, which leads one to the conclusion that if it hurts like that, something must be wrong.  Thankfully, an FFXI friend of mine had the same surgery done several years back - she called me and told me what her experience was like.  Apparently her doctor did the same as mine - oh, you'll be fine in a couple days, it won't hurt, blah blah blah.  She knew better since a friend of HERS had done it also.  I felt way better after talking to her (thanks, yoyo!).

My two scars have little lumps underneath them but other than that, I'm all better!  Yay!  Now I'm looking forward to worry-free sex.  Hopefully lots of it.

Today is the day of my surgery!  I'm nervous about all of it, even though this is what I want; I wish that someone could just wave a magic wand and sterilize me, instead of all this business with anesthesia and needles (they put one in my bellybutton ~ ewwww).

I wonder if this makes me different in some non-physical way, or if I'll suddenly feel strange about myself when I wake up.  So many people have told me for so long that I will regret this, I'm anticipating the next week and I simply can't see that I could possibly regret it.  Given my general mental health, having a child (not to mention the actual pregnancy itself) would be nothing but destructive and there's too much adversity in life as it is.

I'm going to go and get ready, I need to leave the house in an hour or so and I'd really like to shower first. :-)

So, Steve and I had what can only be described as a Discussion about me getting sterilized.

Even though he doesn't plan on ever having children either, he said it seems like a mistake to do something to my body that is so very final.  I pointed out that if I found out I was pregnant tomorrow, I'd go have an abortion immediately, and that would be equally final.  It's not as though I'd sit around reevaluating the direction of my life, and suddenly find room for responsible parenting.  That just wouldn't happen.  Turns out that basically he feels the same way, except that he thinks an accidental pregnancy would make him reevaluate his feelings.  Is that the same thing as wanting kids?  I don't really know.

He also doesn't think I really want to do this to my body.  It's hard to explain, I really need the security of knowing that I'm not going to get thrown into a situation that will greatly upset my mental health, but at the same time I wish that I wasn't in this position in the first place.  Given my condition, I really don't think that I'd survive a pregnancy - the stress, hormones, removal from my stabilizing medication... not a good scenario.  I don't consider that I actually have a choice; if I wanted to be a parent, I still couldn't carry and birth one.  Surgery is the Responsible Thing.

It's hard to explain this to Steve (or anyone, for that matter)... I won't regret having the procedure.  I'll regret that I don't feel like I really have a choice about it.  Pregnancy, for me, would be a tragedy.

I've been pregnant three times in my life.  One miscarriage and two abortions.  As a teenager, I was too scared to tell anybody that I was pregnant, so fortunately the whole thing went away on its own.  I'm screwed up now, I can't imagine if I'd had a kid at 16.

The first abortion was scary because I had no idea what to expect.  There were protesters outside the clinic, they called me names and told me I was going to hell.  The staff inside were really nice, they treated everyone very carefully... must be hard to balance what is for some people a huge tragedy, and for others a huge relief.  I hadn't come by myself, so I was given medication (pretty sure it was just valium) to help me handle everything.  I remember it as though I was in a corner of the room watching myself.  It hurt, I was terrified.  When they were done with you, there was a recovery room where you sat in big comfy chairs, ate cookies, and drank orange juice.  It was pretty much the same routine as when you give blood, except I'd lost a lot of blood for a different reason.  Once I was deemed low risk for internal bleeding, I was sent home.

The second was bad.  Really bad.  I drove myself, and because of that I had nothing to sedate me or relieve pain.  There were no protestors at least, and the place felt like a regular doctor's office (unlike the first).  I don't exactly know how to put it in words... the pain was indescribable.  Horrible.  I did something way past crying, past sobbing, I'm not even sure there's a word for it.  I'm not sure if something went wrong or if it's actually just that awful with no medicine.  I went into shock and lost a lot of blood... I don't remember the doctor finishing, but I kind of remember coming back into consciousness and looking around me.  Someone had put a blanket over me and underneath it I was naked.  I was alone in the room and really disoriented... I tried to get up to find my clothes but it was hard to stand because it hurt so much.  There was blood all over the place: on me, the table, the floor, the blanket.  I don't really remember leaving, my next memory is of meeting my boyfriend for his lunch break.  I told him it wasn't so bad because I didn't have words for it all.

Shortly after that, I had a breakdown... I lost it for a few months.  I wasn't functional.  I cut myself constantly, I used to wear really thick socks and pull them all the way up my lower legs so they would absorb the blood.  It didn't always work, sometimes I bled through my jeans and had to hide the spots as much as I could.  I started having paranoid delusions.  When the phone rang, I thought people were trying to break into the house and attack me.  One day I locked Maybel and myself into a bathroom because I thought someone was going to hurt us.

This is why I need the surgery.  This is why I cannot become accidentally pregnant.  I cannot go through these things again.

I asked Steve if he would think differently of me after I have this done, he said yes but he's not sure in what way.  That's scary.

... another doctor visit.

As a precursor to surgery approval, the gynecologist said I had to come in and get a pap smear.  I was just oh-so-excited about the visit... but it really wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  Still, once I have the tubal ligation, I have absolutely no illusions that I'll keep going once a year.  Ha!  Take that, responsible preventative medical treatment!

My procedure is scheduled for Friday, May 1 and I should be back at work the next Monday.  I'm apprehensive about the anesthesia (I've had problems before) but I in a few weeks it will be all over with and I'll be free of pregnancy worry.  Yay!

Next step: dermatology.  I've had several spots come up suddenly over the last month; there's a new freckle/mole thing in between two of my fingers and one on top of a toe.  Last week turned up another spot, this time on the sole of my foot (and it's visibly growing).

My planner keeps getting more and more full... Edessa calls it my Bible because I carry it around with me everywhere and constantly refer to it.  I miss the days when all I did was track how many hours I worked!  Still, with the uncertainty of my living and insurance situations, I really need to pack in as much medical care as I can.  I'm concerned about these moles (or whatever they are) popping up so fast, but at the same time I'd rather not find out that there's some new big problem to address now that I've mostly gotten my mental health in order.

Let's see... my appointment with the ob/gyn went really well!  He says he'll do the procedure, no problems, I just have to submit to an annual exam first.  Ugh.  Still, I haven't had a pap since 2000 so maybe I am about due.  I had two options for type of procedure... I picked the older method that does NOT involve inserting a little metal spring into my body for the rest of my life.  That just sounded creepy.  The doctor's office already checked with my insurance company, who says my copay will be around $100; I'm guessing that's only for the actual procedure and doesn't include anything else (like anesthesia) but I should be able to swing all of it.  I still owe about $400 in other medical bills, so once I have those paid off I'll be ready for the surgery.  My annual is scheduled for the 25th, so I think I should be all set by early April, yay!

I met with Kenny and we worked on our taxes... not getting a whole lot of money back since we're splitting it, but it will still help.  I'm still trying to save as much money as I can, I've been putting aside a set amount every week and for the most part I haven't had to dip into my savings all that much.  It's kind of an exercise into seeing how much rent I can afford on my own (so far, not much).

I had an appointment with my psychiatrist on Friday, which went really well.  He told me that I am dramatically better than I was when I first started coming to him (it's been quite some time now) and that he's impressed with my new ability to focus and to plan for the future.  I have another appointment with him in a month, and if he thinks I am doing equally well, I will get to slack my visits from once a month to once every other month.  This could be really helpful since my insurance will only cover 20 mental health visits a year and I'm already up to visit 5! :-)

I've been trying to remember to add books to my library as I read them, but I haven't been so good about making a post to correspond... going to try and work on that a little better.

Today is the Ides of March!  I have safely elected to spend it at home rather than in public assembly places frequented by knife-wielding politicians.

Also, yesterday was my sister's birthday.  Hope it was a good one, Karyn.

Tomorrow is my ob/gyn appointment, and I am alternately excited and terrified.  I'm nervous about what might happen - I know that I want the procedure done, but it's the particulars of it that concern me.  I want to find out about how much it costs, how invasive, am I really approved to get it done... and when can I have it?

During a routine psychology visit, it came up that I've been trying to get sterilized for pretty much my entire adult life, but nobody will do it because, as they tell me:
1. I'm too young
2. I don't have any kids
3. I'll change my mind
4. My future significant other might not agree

All of these are stupid, stupid reasons.  I'm a relatively stable bipolar who is not willing to go off of medication for any kind of offspring.  Hormone changes fuck up my mood swing cycle.  I have bad genetics that I wouldn't want to pass on anyhow... if I wanted kids ever (highly unlikely) I'd just adopt one with a lesser chance of being broken like I am.

So... my psychologist mentions that he has a good friend that's an ob/gyn and maybe HE would do the procedure for me, and would I like him to make a phone call?  Well... of course I would!  I'm thinking he'll call later and I'll get an update at my next session, but no, he calls immediately and explains my basic situation... and that he'll give me a referral letter... and the guy said he'll do it!!  Of course, I don't want to get my hopes totally up because I haven't even made an appointment with the ob/gyn guy yet, and it might be the doctor's office that I owe a lot of money to (one of many).  But it's a nice little dream bubble at the moment.

I wonder why it's so difficult to persuade people that yes, it really IS more responsible of me if I don't have children.  I don't mind dooming myself to being crazy cat lady if that's what it takes to maintain some kind of mental health normalcy.

In other news, Steve still says that he wants us to move back to his place in central Florida, but he doesn't actually DO anything to facilitate such a venture.  I was stressing that a little, though yesterday at work I talked to one of the patients that I am close to and she told me that there's trailers near her renting for $375 a month.  Much cheaper than an apartment and they tend to be cat friendly... so I guess that can be my backup backup plan in case I can't end up moving in with Nelina?

I just want to know where I'm going.  I can handle anything once I have a path figured out; or at least I think I can.  Suppose I can't know for sure until I'm in that situation.

3:30am and I'm getting up for work in 2-ish hours.  Sigh.