13 posts tagged “steve”

Yesterday was "meh" for the most part... Steve and I had a fight the night before, so I left almost as soon as I woke up and went to Nelina's house.  Her new boyfriend came over, and for some reason I found myself jealous after a couple hours... he seems nice and I'm happy for her, but I wanted all her attention for ME because I was in a grumpy mood.  I made myself feel better by baking cookies (which turned out quite well), but I sampled my way to 2 extra pounds (sigh) that I will hopefully lose shortly.  I find it odd that my weight will go up or down 4 lbs in a single day, how is that even possible?

I made raspberry thumbprint cookies, which go as follows:
1/2 c. oleo, soft (you can use crisco too)
1/4 c. packed brown sugar
1/4 c. sugar
1/2 t. salt
1 t. vanilla extract
1&1/2 c. flour
2 T milk
1/3 c. mini chocolate chips
raspberry preserves

Cream butter, sugars, salt, and vanilla; blend in flour and milk.  Stir in chocolate chips.  Shape dough into 1" balls and place on an ungreased cookie sheet.  Make a fingerprint in the cookies (kind of deep) and fill the indentation with preserves.  Bake around 10 minutes at 375.

Be careful taking these out of the oven as the preserves will be boiling, and boiling preserves act like napalm.

I generally double or triple this recipe so I can give some away, it really doesn't make that much.  Nelina took these to a neighborhood party, which is the only reason I made them... I'm not leaving my upset self at home with 4 dozen cookies, because soon there will just be a lot more of me to be upset and I'll be out of baked goods!

We also made a cheese dip (2 giant sticks of Velveeta and 2 cans of Rotel) which was good and also got taken to the party.  I attempted a coconut pie, but if you accidentally buy the wrong pudding mix then you just end up with a sweet coconut soup that is so thin it won't even clog the garbage disposal! :-)

Came home and didn't talk to Steve much, now it's the 5th and we've still barely acknowledged one another.

I called the mortgage company last week but they haven't logged in my application yet.  Must call again tomorrow.

Supposed to go to Nelina's tonight to drink, smoke, and bitch about men.... which is pretty much what we do (minus the smoking) almost every time I'm there. :-)

I used the L word.  Danger!

Not only do I want a hug, I desperately need one.  But I won't get one.

During a routine psychology visit, it came up that I've been trying to get sterilized for pretty much my entire adult life, but nobody will do it because, as they tell me:
1. I'm too young
2. I don't have any kids
3. I'll change my mind
4. My future significant other might not agree

All of these are stupid, stupid reasons.  I'm a relatively stable bipolar who is not willing to go off of medication for any kind of offspring.  Hormone changes fuck up my mood swing cycle.  I have bad genetics that I wouldn't want to pass on anyhow... if I wanted kids ever (highly unlikely) I'd just adopt one with a lesser chance of being broken like I am.

So... my psychologist mentions that he has a good friend that's an ob/gyn and maybe HE would do the procedure for me, and would I like him to make a phone call?  Well... of course I would!  I'm thinking he'll call later and I'll get an update at my next session, but no, he calls immediately and explains my basic situation... and that he'll give me a referral letter... and the guy said he'll do it!!  Of course, I don't want to get my hopes totally up because I haven't even made an appointment with the ob/gyn guy yet, and it might be the doctor's office that I owe a lot of money to (one of many).  But it's a nice little dream bubble at the moment.

I wonder why it's so difficult to persuade people that yes, it really IS more responsible of me if I don't have children.  I don't mind dooming myself to being crazy cat lady if that's what it takes to maintain some kind of mental health normalcy.

In other news, Steve still says that he wants us to move back to his place in central Florida, but he doesn't actually DO anything to facilitate such a venture.  I was stressing that a little, though yesterday at work I talked to one of the patients that I am close to and she told me that there's trailers near her renting for $375 a month.  Much cheaper than an apartment and they tend to be cat friendly... so I guess that can be my backup backup plan in case I can't end up moving in with Nelina?

I just want to know where I'm going.  I can handle anything once I have a path figured out; or at least I think I can.  Suppose I can't know for sure until I'm in that situation.

3:30am and I'm getting up for work in 2-ish hours.  Sigh.

I think that I may in fact be the most self-absorbed person in the world, and in spite of feeling kind of guilty about it, I can't seem to help myself.  I just want to wallow in my own self-pity and have an audience surround me, enthralled by the various trials of my life.

I fell off the Weight Watchers wagon.  I gained 6 lbs.  I feel like a fat, disgusting excuse for a human being, even in the pretty new bra and underwear that I bought myself yesterday in an attempt to feel less fat and disgusting.

I alternately miss and hate my parents.

I have a wonderful vocabulary and a good sense of humor.  I have a sincere laugh.  I slide into friendships easily.  I am loyal.  I am well-read in a variety of subjects.  I love Faulkner and Hesse.  I like philosophy.  I am extremely intelligent.

I am also horribly depressed.  I use people and then throw them away because I need to get rid of them before they get rid of me.  I am burdensome.  I get angry at inappropriate times and often refuse to say that I'm sorry, even when I know I'm wrong.  I can't seem to do anything with my life.  I have dropped out of college twice.

I blame a lot of things on my condition.  Sometimes I'm afraid that it's not a disorder, and that everything bad is my real personality and all the good things are a complete fake.

I don't think anybody but my pets will ever truly love me and forgive me for all the bad things.

Xiao Wen came home.  Earlier today I took a nap with Wendy and Paxil.  I take joy in the fact that Maybel tolerates other people but genuinely likes me.

Maybel and I have been together for 8 years.  My relationship with her is the best relationship I have ever had, period.

Steve said that we should move to his place when my house gets foreclosed.  Maybe he's just humoring me, but I suspect I might end up doing it anyway.  I think I like him more than he likes me.

Things are pretty good here, except I'm more broke than usual... my health insurance decided that I only get 20 mental health visits per year so I have to pay out of pocket for 3 or 4 visits from last year.  Basically I will have to pay a little over another $1000 before I'm caught up and my deductible for this year is met.  Anybody who reads this blog probably knows... I don't have $1000.  I have a visit with my psychologist tomorrow, we'll see what my balance is.  At least they are really nice about letting me just pay a little at a time, I get the impression that I could run a balance until next December and they won't give me any grief.  The money I'm going to need is a little overwhelming but I'm sure I'll figure something out; Steve is getting unemployment checks now so he's helping to pay bills too.  My resolve is to continue setting money aside every week to put into savings; when I lose the house at least I'll have a "living expense" buffer.

Unless I can afford the house without a roommate, I've decided I'm not going to try and keep it.  I'm too nervous about depending on another person and I'm tired of living paycheck to paycheck.  My new plan is that once I get served the eviction notice, I'm putting my stuff in storage and moving in with Nelina.  Steve will go back to Merritt Island and then we'll just have to evaluate things from there.  I'm not moving without a job and without sufficient funds to carry COBRA since I can't go without insurance.  After Steve lives alone for a little bit, he can decide if he liked things better with or without me.  He and I haven't actually discussed this plan, I figure there's time enough once I get my 30-days.

I had a fantastic weekend, which feels strange to say!  On Saturday, we woke up early and went down to Merritt Island to pick up Steve's check and subsequently deposit it at his bank.  We visited with his mother for a little bit, and on our way out we ran into their friend Vicki.  Steve was a little stressed about seeing everybody (there's complicated reasons behind all that, but personally I think they're needless) so I was glad that it was very relaxed.  He raided his mom's fridge for stuffed cabbage and we were on our way out.

His computer has some kind of evil virus and can't load FFXI (tragedy in this house!) so we picked up some computer games from Circuit City (everything is 20% off since they're closing) to keep him busy.  I also got some new eyebrow rings at the mall... I hate the mall but I like new eyebrow rings!  Steve and I talked a lot on the 2.5 hour-ish drive home and got some things resolved about our relationship in general, I feel much better and much more secure.  Given past history, I'm not sure if it will last or not - reality rears its ugly head - but there's nothing wrong with being hopeful now and giving it my all. :-)

Yesterday, Steve was really stressing out about his computer... I wish there was something I could do to help.  I told him I felt bad because I wasn't smart enough to be of any assistance, and he informed me I was wrong, I'm certainly smart enough but this just happened to be an area in which I didn't have much knowledge base.  I'm a sucker for compliments so that made me feel pretty good, although I'd still rather I could do something about his computer.  Then the dinner he worked on all day burned while he was trying to fix his PC, it was pretty rough for him.  I could tell he was in a pretty bad mood (who wouldn't be?) but he wasn't taking it out on me or anything like that... however, I guess he felt differently because he kept telling me he was sorry about it.

Sometimes when he goes out on the back porch to smoke, he takes a book and sits for a little while to relax.  As such, I didn't think much of it when he went outside and was gone for a little while - I was busy playing Zoo Tycoon so hadn't even looked to see if he was still out back.  The front door opened, which startled me, and he came in bearing hot chocolate with whipped cream and an apple-filled donut.  I'm constantly dieting but hot chocolate goes straight to my emotional core, I was pretty excited about it.  It was his peace offering for being in a bad mood.  Reminds me of the days when he used to bring home random things for me on a reasonably regular basis, so I was smiling a lot.

I drank my hot chocolate, split the donut with him (I was super-nice and left him most of the filling), went to bed and got cuddled.

I smiled this morning, too. :-)

I'm not really sure exactly what is going on with Steve.  He seems to have come out of his depression quite a bit since he started to get unemployment checks, which is understandable.  I know exactly how much it sucks to be broke.  He's also started being more open with me about those "feelings" things, which makes me feel special (is that dumb?) because it makes me think that he trusts me.

In the past couple of days we've talked about families quite a bit... he thinks I should try and patch things up with my parents.  That's not going to happen, but he made the point that maybe my "adult" relationship with them could be a lot different than the one I had when I was younger.  I agree, that's probably true.  But I still can't forgive them and the fact that they refuse to acknowledge any of the things they did is like a constant slap in my face.  But I digress.  We've also talked about HIS family.  His parents love him and he loves them, which is the kind of family relationship I'm so intensely jealous of.  I don't have a safety net.  I don't have people that love me.  I'm essentially alone when it comes to things like that, and it's really kind of scary.  He promised me that I'll always have a place to stay and someone to help me (presumably meaning his place in Merritt Island and himself), and maybe that's true.  It's a nice idea, anyway.  I gather that he didn't always have a great relationship with his parents, and I'm sad for him over that because I think it really bothers him now, I think he feels guilty.  I don't think he has any reason to.

The upside of Steve being in a better frame of mind is that I get more physical attention.  It's really stressful for me when I don't get touched or hugged, I'm not capable of believing that anyone loves me (hence that therapy stuff) but when someone holds my hand, I believe that in that very moment, THEY believe they care about me.  And that's as close as I ever get, so physical contact is extremely important.  But it still seems like he has this line drawn with me that he doesn't want to cross.  It's not really about the lack of sex (which we almost never have).  I haven't been kissed in over a month.  He doesn't want to hug me.  That's where I get upset... why would he come upstairs and rub my back and hold me, then go back downstairs and sleep on the couch?  Is there something basically wrong with me?  Am I undesirable in some aspect?  I don't understand it.  It makes me really sad.

Every time that he is affectionate with me, I think "wow, maybe things are different now" but I'm always disappointed.  I don't know if this is a problem he has with me or with himself?  Maybe neither?  I think about it all the time.  I wish I could be held all night.  It makes me feel safe and I really want to be safe.

I'm eating some this morning for breakfast.  Been doing that a lot lately, and often for lunch too.  Good thing it was buy one get one free this week!

Steve's really depressed again... last night I went and got Panera as kind of a treat since I'm too broke to eat out much.  I'm not sure if it made him feel any better or not, but at least I really enjoyed my sandwich.

Nelina has a court date on Monday and thank god I found somebody to cover for me at work.  Pretty sure I'm taking the whole day off, although I promised the tech who is coming in that I'd call when we were done to see if she wanted to skate out or not.

Xiao Wen is being the biggest brat ever, he's started to put his feet in his water fountain (yes, they have their own fountain) and throw water on the floor.  Grrrrrrrr.  It just occured to me that I haven't mentioned Maybel, Paxil, or Wendy lately.  They're all doing well and haven't done anything irritating enough to merit a write-up here.

I think I'm keeping it together pretty well, all things considered.  My nightmare from yesterday turned out to not be true, and hopefully I won't have any more of them for at least a little while.

Okay, I held out until Thursday morning (because he actually was nice to me again on Tuesday, but went back to "normal" on Wednesday).  I told him that he's an adult and if he wants to spend all of his time playing FFXI and not doing anything else, that he can't do it here.  We haven't spoken since then, really.  When I got home from work yesterday he was asleep upstairs.  I talked to Nelina for a long time on the phone (more trouble for her that I wish I could fix), when Steve finally came downstairs I was still talking to Nelina.  He just asked if I bought more dish soap and I nodded yes.  When I went to bed I said good night but with no response, he's sitting there playing FFXI even now and before I head to work I need to ask him what he plans on doing.  I don't really have the gas money but if I have to I'll pack his shit and drive him back south myself.

The bank filed the foreclosure lawsuit on December 30.  I'm not sure exactly what that means for me, but I plan on continuing to save up as much as I can like the mortgage counselor told me.  Worst thing that happens, I suppose, is that I lose the house anyway and have enough money in the bank to pay off my credit card.  Speaking of which... I got a notification from Discover that they were halting further activity on my account.  Sort of.  They cut my credit line back $4000, which conveniently placed me at pretty much the exact balance I owe now.  I'm going to call them and see if they can raise it back up even a little bit since I haven't missed a payment.  I wasn't planning on using the card anyways but it's the only buffer money I have in case something goes wrong.

Once Steve is gone, Nelina is going to help me clean up the house and get rid of all the junk that needs to go to Goodwill or be thrown away.  At that point it will be "roommate ready" and I can get someone in here to help pay the bills... right now I'm putting $125 a week into savings in lieu of making a rent payment, if I can have someone pay me $450 a month and then take $250 of that and place it in savings, I'd be doing reasonably okay.  I know that odds aren't good for me to keep the house but I'm still trying... this is my home.  I don't want to leave it.

I'm still planning for the event that I do have to leave the house... my biggest concern at all are my cats.  I've accepted the fact that if I do lose the house, I will have a very difficult time finding a place to live with 4 cats.  Maybel and Xiao Wen *have* to stay with me, they are rather "special needs" and I don't want them to go anywhere else.  Paxil and Wendy are friendly, loveable cats that wouldn't be too difficult to find a good home for, although I'd still cry myself to sleep every night if they were gone.  My solution was to ask Nelina to foster them until I can find a place that will let me take all four.  She said that she would happily take them, no problem at all, but that she wouldn't be able to give them back because her kids would be devastated (they've already lost one pet that had to be given away).  I figure that is probably the best I can possibly get, a home where they are loved (because I know they will be) and well taken care of, plus I'll have access to them whenever I want so I could visit them at will.

I need to leave for work in 45 minutes and still need to ask Steve "so have you given thought to what I said yesterday?"

Should be fun.

Dammit he just went upstairs!  Okay first thing when he comes down I'll ask.  I swear.

Okay, I've had enough.  Steve and I are going to have "the talk" on Wednesday.  If he can't help then he's got to gtfo.  I got down to $4 in my checking account and this is simply not sustainable, I need a paying roommate.