2 posts tagged “family”
I totally stole that from a Verve Pipe song I happened to be listening to.
I went and got the blood drawn for my lithium precursor... that shit hurt. I'm not happy about doing it again in a week. I'm also not happy about being awake at 2am, or the fact that I keep losing spider solitaire. I might be able to win more games except that prefer to alternate the red/black card decks as I complete them, and I go out of my way to try and make that happen.
I ate a sandwich today. I want to cut myself but I haven't.
I really wish my parents wouldn't call me. It feels so fake. I am incapable of believing that they have any genuine concern; more like it's an obligation because I fall under the umbrella of she's-our-kid. For the majority of my life they treated me pretty badly but I'm supposed to pretend it never happened... and I can't. I want to overcome it but I can't really envision myself truly letting go. Therapy might help me deal with it better, but for the time being please leave me alone. It just upsets me.
The reason I don't want to see everyone in August has nothing to do with money, or time off work, or even the fact that I'm not so much in the best emotional period in my life. It has to do with the fact that being around my family makes me want to kill myself.
I spoke with my parents yesterday morning... my older sister Katie is in the hospital in Japan, and has been diagnosed with MS. This prompted a lot of mixed emotions in me... I feel bad for my sister, obviously, and hope that she is handling this well both emotionally and physically. Additionally though, I feel sort of guilty. There's not really much I can do to comfort Katie - our paths diverged a long time ago, and these days we barely even speak to each other. I don't even particularly think it's feasible to use this as a starting point to rebuild our relationship; there are too many reasons why we grew apart in the first place. All I can really do is send her supportive thoughts from afar, and keep in touch with my parents to stay updated. Even calling her right now would just seem false.
