3 posts tagged “e&tb”

I've been missing Jean-Paul like crazy, the other night I had a dream about him.  Steve pointed out that I kept bringing Jean-Paul up in conversation, and maybe it was time that I broke down and called him.  I finally did... but he won't talk to me.  I'm sad. :-(

It's weird, I'm always hoping to see the person in Steve that he was before.  He used to go to the grocery store when I was sleeping and buy me something I like so that I'd have a surprise when I woke up (there's still an extremely warty squash sitting on my stove).  He used to walk in the door and attack me with hugs.  He used to call me every morning at 7am so that I could wake up to a friendly voice instead of a blaring alarm.  When I quit eating for awhile he cheered me on any time he could get me to eat a couple bites of anything.  He's dropped everything before and come driving up here (before he moved in we lived 2.5 hours apart) when I was having a depressive episode or an anxiety attack.  That's why he moved here... I was starting to freak out every day and was cutting myself again, so he quit his job and came.

I think he doesn't really want to stay now that he's exposed to me and my rapid mood swings but he doesn't know how to leave, either.  He's never been around anyone before who is bipolar and he's pretty resentful when I get agitated or verbally violent, and I think maybe he sees the mania as me being happy and upbeat.  I'm not really sure that there *is* somebody out there who will ever know how to overcome the kind of burden that I inevitably am when I need medical help.  He said he thinks I cry because I want attention.  I asked him how he could possibly think such a thing... I cry because I am SAD.  I am lonely.  I have a lot of bad things going on right now.  I reminded him that I've had major mood swings the whole time he's known me, but he said he thought I was getting better.  I tried to explain to him that this is a lifetime struggle, there's not a band-aid.  Sure it had gotten better but now it's getting worse again.

If I can just make it through the holidays maybe it will get better... maybe things will change and maybe I won't feel so bad.  Maybe Steve will figure out that I'm not willfully this way and he'll change too.  I see my psychologist Wednesday and my psychiatrist not until January... neither one wants to change my treatment yet because they think the holidays are just making me freak out more than normal.  I know pills aren't always the answer but they sure do help sometimes and I wish they hadn't taken me off the lithium. :-(

He slept on the sofa last night and the cats slept upstairs with me.  It's lonely when he does that.  I haven't been kissed in almost two weeks.  I want things to go backwards because forwards is really, really scary.  I think maybe I deserve better but I honestly don't think I'll get it.  At least this is kind of sustainable because it's detached.  But yeah, he still needs to DO something.  I need a boyfriend with a j--o--b.  Or at least one that makes me feel better.  Or at least one that ACTS like he still wants to be in a relationship with me.  I'd gladly settle for that last one.

I probably embedded this before because it's one of my favorite songs.  But still, I was listening to it when I got back from my angry-so-I-walk-around-the-neighborhood jaunt.