6 posts tagged “christmas”
So I'm a little late on my Christmas post. Steve and I went to his parents house for the day, which was interesting because they are Jewish. I never met anybody before who had converted to Judaism, which I have no problem with or anything, it's just kind of an odd occurrence. We ate dinner next to a "Happy Hanukkah" banner, and our cups had little stars of David on them.
I think I made a good impression, at least. His father and I had a discussion about environmental politics, and his mother and I talked about mental illness and the corresponding health care problems. I'm not sure how I lucked out and got into conversations on topics I actually know about! I also told Steve's mom that he was becoming a jobless bum. I'm not really sure why I did that, in retrospect it's kind of a betrayal of him. Oh well, maybe she'll give him shit about it in a way that I can't... I'm just a (girl)friend, but that's his MOM.
I was really depressed about Christmas in general so I'm extremely glad it's over. Now I've got different things to be depressed about, but at least it's not all at the same time.
Steve and I had an interesting conversation yesterday morning that kind of turned into a passive-aggressive non-fight. He said that he'll be going back to Merritt Island. I've heard that before, of course, but this wasn't said amidst being pissed off. He was very matter-of-fact about it all, said that he never had any intentions of staying in Jacksonville. I asked why he came at all... he said he likes it here. So why leave? Apparently because that's his home.
My next obvious question... what about ME? He didn't have any good answer there. I brought up the fact that I sort of need to know what he is doing so that I know what *I* am doing. His response was that I haven't known him long enough, and I should do what I want without taking him into account. But... but... I want to take you into account. Well you shouldn't. What the hell is his problem. I kept pressuring him to just explain himself, to tell me what he WANTS out of this situation, out of everything in general. "I want you to stop hassling me!" I stormed out and went to work.
I got home... he acted like nothing happened. Does he have some kind of underlying emotional life that he's having trouble revealing, or is he really just this much of a dickhead? It's probably somewhere in between the two.
Incidentally, I've been depressed and haven't really eaten in two days. I slept 3 hours last night and 4 hours the night before. I'm ready to feel better, why is it taking so damn long...
At least there's one positive, I passed my certification exam so I am now a nationally certified pharmacy technician. I'm getting a merit raise at work in the middle of January (I'll be going from a meager sum to a meager sum plus $.31, can't go any higher because my rate is capped), and then after that I'll turn in my certification paperwork to get another raise, plus to get reimbursed for my $129 test fee. I could really use any extra money at all, mid-January needs to hurry the hell up and get here.
Alright! Drove to Edessa's for purposes of carpooling. Ellen and Milagros rode with us also, which was kind of funny since neither of them is really used to me. They know me but they've never had any extended conversations with me... they are both very "put together" and polite, so of course I am totally different. I was already getting a little hyper so I was swearing just as much as normal (my social grace filter didn't kick in) and talking about all the people I'd seen at work that day. Both of them didn't really know what to make of me but they adjusted reasonably well on the way to the hotel.
After a little confusion ("Hey Edessa? You're driving the wrong way on this street") we made it there safely and ventured in to mingle. One of the pharmacists had arranged this whole thing in an effort to "honor" our district manager, which is sorta stupid (I think maybe she's got a crush on him) but it was still fun. When we first got there, I cozied up to Nelina at the bar and caught up with her on the drama in one another's lives. The bartender kept giving us funny looks, perhaps because we were talking unabashed about our sex lives... more specifically, my dry spell and her boyfriend. I'm so jealous.
We all finally made it to the restaurant part of the hotel... poor Sarah (the organizer) was trying to get people to sit down so we could begin, but was having no luck so I took pity on her and rounded everyone up. To borrow an expression from my mother, it was like herding cats. I'd flit to one group, say hello to everyone, and then inform them that it was time to sit down and order dinner. Two minutes later I'd come back... no guys, I really mean it. Go sit the hell down. No wonder Sarah was having trouble!
I sat next to Nelina, she saved me by quickly changing the subject whenever someone mentioned Kenny. I didn't feel like getting into the whole divorce thing, so when people asked how he was doing I just smiled and said he was doing really well [so I hear], some asked if we ever bought our house and I told them we did and I loved it [too bad it's getting foreclosed], a few asked where Kenny was and I said he had already made other plans that evening [with his new girlfriend], there was a couple of questions on when we might be having kids [certainly not with each other], etc etc.
Nelina had to leave early so that she could go home and let her kids open presents. She bailed me out again and instructed Edessa that they had to rescue me from my end of the table because I'd have no buffer after she left, so about 30 seconds after Nelina took off, Edessa was waving me over with an "Adrienne! Come down here!!" and I happily relocated (thanks Edessa, you're a true friend) so that I could hang with the cool people again. I actually did have a blast socializing, maybe I'll get one of those "life" things sometime so I can do it more often.
Three things of the evening completely amazed me.
Thing 1: The cost of food at the Marriott. They had entrees on the menu for $45! Holy shit. Good thing that about 4 different pharmacists had promised to buy me dinner (I let Sarah do the honors), I was the only technician invited and sure the pharmacists can swing that kind of bill but no way could I have justified the expense of a dinner that pricey. There was only one vegetarian item on the menu, and even that was sorta iffy, so many sauces use beef or chicken stock as a base. I didn't want to take the risk so I asked the waitress for a custom made big-ass salad. She tried to talk me into the suspicious pasta but I held my ground and I think I irritated her a little bit. What the hell, they're preparing $45 filet mignon and my "please toss lettuce on a plate" is too much trouble? Give me a break. Incidentally, my salad ended up being $6.95, which was amazing in a place that charged me $3 for a single cup of coffee and $2.50 for a soda.
I also noticed that the price of everyone's dinner was inversely proportional to how much food they actually got. My place was piled with salad, I was starving and still couldn't finish it all. Dima was sitting next to me, his $37 steak was approximately the size of a pack of cards with two little cherry-sized blobs of mashed potatoes and a couple pieces of carrot for garnish. Craziness.
Things 2 & 3: The breasts of our district manager's wife. I hadn't seen her in about a year, in that time she's lost a little bit of weight but magically her breasts have tripled in size. I was completely fascinated, they must have had their own gravitational pull that effected my eyeballs because I had trouble looking away. I don't have any bisexual tendencies, but oh my god these things were huge. HUGE. She must have had a terrible backache, too, since she wasn't wearing a bra. What kind of fucked up plastic surgeon let her do that to herself? She could barely reach the table because they interfered with her reach, although she probably didn't need the table anyway since she could have used her boobs as a shelf. HUGE. I was in awe. She'd probably fuck up the tides if she stood on the beach.
I'll try to see if I can swing copies of photos from the evening so I can get a picture of her on the blog.
When the evening was over I really didn't want to go home... I was in the mood to go out on the town! Nobody to go with though (damn Nelina and her being-a-mother-ness), but hopefully I can make plans sometime in the near future. I'm tired of sitting at home and having non-conversations with Steve.
Speaking of whom, he's emerged so I imagine we're leaving soon for his parents house. This should be interesting.
Christmas Eve was better than my (so far) Christmas so I figured I'd post them backwards.
I saw my psychologist in the morning, which always makes me feel better. I never had "successful" therapy before, maybe because I don't actually have a checklist of things it's supposed to do for me, but I really like this doctor and he's very affirming. It's nice to have someone respond to me without negativity, even when I know he's trying to tell me that I'm not heading in the right direction.
After my session I headed to work... I'm a pharmacy technician in a grocery store and it was amazingly crazy all day long. We only filled 90-ish prescriptions, which is really slow for a normal day but we were only open 8-5 so in reality it was only moderately slow. Good thing, though, because I was running a regular register for most of the day! I don't mind helping the front end but eventually you want these damn people to stop getting in your line, there's no polite way to say "you're going to have to take your canned green beans to some other cashier because I need to send my drug order, and besides I don't care about your casserole anyway!" Of the prescriptions we filled, a large portion were for Xanax and Viagra. I guess I'm not the only person in this world that's stressed out and unfulfilled.
All 7 registers up front were open, plus 2 at the customer service desk, and for the entire time I was there the lines were backed up into the frozen food section. There's certain items I can't ring up in the pharmacy (no alcohol, produce, or meat) so instead of announcing that people could ring up in the pharmacy, Eyvette (my front end manager who I love love love love) was pulling people out of the regular grocery lines. She's pretty funny about things like that, she was telling people that her wonderful friend Adrienne in the pharmacy would help out and ring them up, so a lot of people that came over said things like "umm, Adrienne? I hear you're really nice and you'll ring up my [insert name of item that they should have bought before christmas eve]."
I got roped into a work event, and had agreed with Edessa that we were both going to wear jeans since I'm not a fan of dressing up, plus since I've lost weight I haven't been able to afford new clothes. Edessa bailed on me, though! She called to let me know that she changed her mind and she was going to dress up "a little bit" since our dinner party was being held at the Marriott. I don't really having a problem being out of place but she was kind of stressing out on my behalf so I agreed to go on my lunch break and find something that wasn't a t-shirt.
I need to mildly digress to another story... one of our pharmacy customers gave me flowers and a gift certificate to JC Penney as a Christmas present. I almost cried, she was so nice and told me that she wanted me to know that I really do make a difference in people's lives by all the things I do at work, and that I go above and beyond to take care of all our patients. :-)
Back to Christmas Eve tale!
So on my lunch break I ventured into the frightening place that is JC-Penney-the-day-before-Christmas. It was insane. I tried on a pair of pants (they fit but they accentuated what I call my breeding hips and I wasn't so sure I wanted them) and a shirt (holy shit a size large was too big!). I needed to kind of get something else but I was overwhelmed by the power shoppers so I got some corduroy pants and two other shirts off a rack and high-tailed it out of there. I tried on the pants when I finally got home... perfect fit! And both shirts... look great! I'm going to return that first pair of pants since they are no longer necessary and my budget doesn't allow for extraneous purchases, even when they are padded by a gift card. No need to point out my hips when I have something else now that looks much better.
It only took me 45 minutes to get in and out of the department store, and would have been only 40 minutes if I didn't have to explain to the cashier that I would not be taking their plastic bag, and I preferred to hold my purchases and walk out the door. This always causes instant panic in places like that, as though a bag is proof that I didn't steal anything. Another cashier jumped in on the conversation and they both tried to insist (albeit very politely) that I really had to take the bag. I told them I would not accept the bag, and that I would prefer to have someone escort me to the door if they were worried I was going to take something. Looking at their 30 person line, they both decided not to argue with me and just asked me to keep my receipt out as I left. I am not above throwing a fit when I am told I'm required to have a plastic bag, and have even gone so far as to request a full refund on merchandise that I have paid for a mere 45 seconds earlier.
Back to work and I finished up my shift... headed home to change. I asked Steve if I looked okay (which I was pretty sure I did) and he affirmed it, although I know that no guy is going to tell you anything different. "How do I look?" "Wow, you really need some work, go upstairs and try again." That kind of conversation simply does not exist in this universe. His response wasn't that whole hearted but oh well, not like I thought he was suddenly going to be interested.
This is getting way too long, I'm going to split it in two.
I still hate Christmas. And it's even worse when you're by yourself.
Steve slept on the couch again last night. I pulled the blankets off the bed and slept on the floor in the spare bedroom.
On the plus side, it's only 8:15 and there's already been one shining moment of the day... he didn't hang up his towel after his shower yesterday, he left it kind of folded and partway in the sink. I was about to move it so that I could brush my teeth but I decided I'm not his mother and I'm not his maid. So I just left it there, effectively dousing it with water from the faucet and then spitting my toothpaste foam all over it. There's not another dry towel in the house.
We're supposed to go to his parents house today for Christmas. I wonder if this is presentation of the girlfriend... of course using the term loosely. Or perhaps this is just not wanting Adrienne to get more screwed up by spending the holiday alone (even though I'm not sure he wants to date me, he IS my friend and he does care at least a little bit). Either way, I'm hoping for a Christmas fuck since I haven't gotten laid in over two weeks. I don't think there's something basically undesirable about me, sure I'm still in the process of losing weight but I've got pierced nipples and I'm a Sure Thing. Maybe I'll just have to find somebody else to sleep with.
Takers?
I hate Christmas. Hate it. With a fucking passion.
I've always gotten depressed around this time of year (even when I was hiding it really well) because other people have families and I don't. Even before I finally got rid of the people I am sadly related to, it was always hard because I've just never felt this warm, fuzzy, come-home feeling that others seem so frequently to exhibit. I used to spend so much time looking for and finding the PERFECT gifts for everyone that I know in an attempt to make them happy, and I realize now that it was only because I want to give people the thing in my life that I am lacking. We instinctively give others what we want to receive for ourselves.
I didn't buy a single Christmas present this year. It's not just that I don't have any money (which I don't anyhow) but I also don't have anybody I really love for whom I should expend the effort. That's pretty pathetic. I'm 28 years old and I don't even have those kind of relationships. I guess I could get something for Steve, or at least I could if I wasn't worried about paying my electric bill, but that would just be awkward because I know that he has absolutely no intention of ever doing such a thing for me. It's not that he doesn't like me reasonably well or something, it's only that it would positively never occur to him that extending such a gesture would be nice, or even appropriate. He doesn't think about other people in the way that most people do. That's pretty depressing too. I have a boyfriend (I use the term loosely) who only stays here because, I think, he doesn't have a job and we get along most of the time. Which is probably only because I'm scared to be completely alone, so most of the time I just keep my mouth shut about the things he does which hurt me so much.
We had a big fight yesterday because he still hasn't filed for unemployment. I asked him why didn't he care, doesn't it bother him that I am totally supporting us (and not even that well since this morning he had ramen noodles for breakfast and I didn't have anything because there's no food)... I asked if he was only going to start caring when I didn't have enough money to pay for the internet connection. For his cigarettes, his FFXI account, his beer. He said he was leaving. I told him it's not that I want him to leave, I just want him to care. That's probably asking too much if I want to go ahead and be realistic with myself. Steve will never care about anyone else as much as he cares about Steve.
He says it's not any of his business if I lose my house, because he's not the one who made the decisions that got me here in the first place. I don't care, I'm going to try and keep it anyways. Once my pharmacy tech certification goes through, I'm going to try and get a second job. If Steve doesn't get unemployment, he's going to have to leave so I can get a paying roommate. I probably will still lose everything, but at least I can try. I don't want to just sit back and let life happen to me. At some point, I have to happen too.
I really hope I can survive until January. Well, hope is kind of a strong word. It's more that I idly wonder. The suicidal ideation is getting bad and I've found myself devising schemes to find homes for my cats, who are really the only reason I haven't killed myself yet anyway. They're the only living beings who love me and I don't want to let them down. My psychologist is having me come in on Christmas Eve because he's concerned about my mental state.
I am, too. But it hurts so bad that I just can't seem to care. There is not enough medication in the world to make this go away.
Hooray pictures. :-)
Kenny got a Wee Ninja from Wishing Fish.
It was already incredibly cute, but we felt the addition of the glasses
and fake nose added a certain element of mystique to his ninja self.
Much love and happy holidays from Adrienne, Kenny, Maybel, Zazuu, Wendy, and Paxil.
