3 posts tagged “bipolar”

During a routine psychology visit, it came up that I've been trying to get sterilized for pretty much my entire adult life, but nobody will do it because, as they tell me:
1. I'm too young
2. I don't have any kids
3. I'll change my mind
4. My future significant other might not agree

All of these are stupid, stupid reasons.  I'm a relatively stable bipolar who is not willing to go off of medication for any kind of offspring.  Hormone changes fuck up my mood swing cycle.  I have bad genetics that I wouldn't want to pass on anyhow... if I wanted kids ever (highly unlikely) I'd just adopt one with a lesser chance of being broken like I am.

So... my psychologist mentions that he has a good friend that's an ob/gyn and maybe HE would do the procedure for me, and would I like him to make a phone call?  Well... of course I would!  I'm thinking he'll call later and I'll get an update at my next session, but no, he calls immediately and explains my basic situation... and that he'll give me a referral letter... and the guy said he'll do it!!  Of course, I don't want to get my hopes totally up because I haven't even made an appointment with the ob/gyn guy yet, and it might be the doctor's office that I owe a lot of money to (one of many).  But it's a nice little dream bubble at the moment.

I wonder why it's so difficult to persuade people that yes, it really IS more responsible of me if I don't have children.  I don't mind dooming myself to being crazy cat lady if that's what it takes to maintain some kind of mental health normalcy.

In other news, Steve still says that he wants us to move back to his place in central Florida, but he doesn't actually DO anything to facilitate such a venture.  I was stressing that a little, though yesterday at work I talked to one of the patients that I am close to and she told me that there's trailers near her renting for $375 a month.  Much cheaper than an apartment and they tend to be cat friendly... so I guess that can be my backup backup plan in case I can't end up moving in with Nelina?

I just want to know where I'm going.  I can handle anything once I have a path figured out; or at least I think I can.  Suppose I can't know for sure until I'm in that situation.

3:30am and I'm getting up for work in 2-ish hours.  Sigh.

I'm so tired of being bipolar. :-(

Sometimes I wonder if that's really the "only" thing wrong with me.  Every time I head to a psychology appointment, I resolve to ask my doctor if he thinks there's some other issue at play.  But I never actually seem to ask him.  I sneak peeks at the chart my psychiatrist keeps on me, hoping for some additional diagnosis code.  I want some kind of explanation for the way I feel, and for why I can't seem to get past it in life... if there's something else wrong then maybe there's hope I can address it?  I hate to think that I'm struggling so hard with only one condition.  I want to crawl in bed all day.  I want to cry.  I want to take my whole bottle of sleeping pills.  I want to cut myself.  I don't want to work anymore.  I don't want to think anymore.  I want to drive in one direction until I run out of fuel.  Then I want to keep walking until I can't walk anymore.  Then I just want to sleep.

I started hiding all the emotions again, the people around me don't see them.  But they're all still there and it eats away a little more every day.

I have no idea if that is spelled properly.  It just popped into my head.
I'm still crazy, as far as "bipolar being controlled by medication" is concerned.  I've started to have semi-suicidal thoughts at times, although when I really sit and review the thoughts running through my mind, it's less of a desire to die and more of a desire to have the ball taken out of my court.  That's what makes the thoughts semi-suicidal... I contemplate a suicide attempt as a means to get into a hospital, not so much as a means to my own death.
I feel like Kenny is really frustrated with me - actually I'm sure he is.  Frustration is not always a negative emotion.  He wants to make me better, but feels thwarted; no matter how much he loves or supports me, my brain chemicals are still out of whack.  I worry about this impact on my marriage... I have no energy these days, and sometimes I'll be sitting aimlessly in my chair while Kenny is busy doing chores.  I ask him to stop and just come exist closer to me, to which he usually responds "Adrienne, this HAS to get done."  I know we should do the dishes and the laundry and clean the catbox and blah blah blah... but I just don't want to move.  Standing up is effort.  Going to work is effort.  Even when I'm falling over from sleepiness (which happens a lot since I don't sleep anymore), even making my way to the bedroom to pass out is a huge effort.
My therapist referred me to a psychiatrist, she thinks I need additional medication that is out of the scope of a family practice doctor.... so I called the psych, and he doesn't have appointments open until August.  At least I'm not the only crazy person around.
The only consistent activity I seem to be able to manage is feeding Xiao Wen, which I do every morning.
I have much more to say but I'm late for work... per usual...