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I'm in the new apartment... I actually like it pretty well.  Lots of stuff to unpack (sigh).

Dentist appointment this morning, wherein he told me (again) that I really need to have my wisdom teeth out.  When I hear things like that, all I see are dollar signs... paying for surgery... time off work... how the hell am I gonna do that?

Whenever I have the surgery I'll probably have to stay with Nelina because I don't trust anyone else around here to take care of me. :-)

Signed a lease on an apartment... I miss my friends, I'm depressed, I didn't take my medication last night.  I'm lonely.  I came home from work and slept for 12 hours straight.  Was feeling suicidal again and made Steve promise to keep the cats if something happened to me.  I need to get a power of attorney or something in writing or I don't know what the hell to get so that my stuff is dispersed appropriately if I do finally do something stupid.  Is vox a legal document?  Doubtful.  But Nelina gets all my stuff and should use the life insurance money to buy Steve a car and give him money to look after my pets.  Cremate me.  Scatter my ashes over my grandmother's grave.

Every few days, I check the local obituaries to see if any of our patients from work have died... it's not as morbid as it sounds.  A lot of our prescriptions are queued up automatically when it's time to refill them, and then the patient receives a phone call letting them know that their medication is ready.

I try and make sure no family is getting a call letting them know Aunt Martha's medicine is ready and they're having the funeral the next day.

Anyhow, I had to pause on the online obituary page (hosted by our local newspaper) so that the ads could load.  The ADS.  Who the hell buys add space on the obituary page??  The answer... these guys.  Kinda scary.

I found a duplex that will take all me along with all my pets... trying to hold out as long as possible before renting anything but I'm so tired of everything hanging over me that I just want to get it over with.  However, I told Steve that if I rent it, he is not invited to come along with me - he's mostly maintained that he is planning on moving back south, which is fine, but if that is still the case then he needs to do it.  I'm not the only one who needs forward motion in life!

I'm packing!

I took Paxil to the vet this morning to check out this odd lump he'd developed on the side of his neck... I first felt it about a month ago, but he's got so much hair that it was kind of difficult to keep an eye on it.  Not a huge lump, so hard to find with a large squirming cat on your lap.  I had actually thought it was gone until a few days ago, when Steve told me he thought Paxil had a tick.  Eww!  Thankfully it was nothing big, just a sebaceous cyst that the vet removed.  Poor Paxil, she had to shave part of his neck so I could have easy access to the spot for peroxiding regularly.

I'm glad it was nothing to be worried about. :-)

At the bookstore tonight, it occurred to me that if a woman walks around rubbing her stomach, people will assume she is pregnant and not just fat.

I'm pretty sure I saw some fat women utilizing this tactic - I think I'll give it a try sometime.

I haven't been sleeping well the last few days - last night I fell asleep as soon as I got home from work, but then woke in the wee hours of the morning and spent my time reading.  This morning before I left I wrote on my bathroom mirror with dry erase marker:

Yesterday was "meh" for the most part... Steve and I had a fight the night before, so I left almost as soon as I woke up and went to Nelina's house.  Her new boyfriend came over, and for some reason I found myself jealous after a couple hours... he seems nice and I'm happy for her, but I wanted all her attention for ME because I was in a grumpy mood.  I made myself feel better by baking cookies (which turned out quite well), but I sampled my way to 2 extra pounds (sigh) that I will hopefully lose shortly.  I find it odd that my weight will go up or down 4 lbs in a single day, how is that even possible?

I made raspberry thumbprint cookies, which go as follows:
1/2 c. oleo, soft (you can use crisco too)
1/4 c. packed brown sugar
1/4 c. sugar
1/2 t. salt
1 t. vanilla extract
1&1/2 c. flour
2 T milk
1/3 c. mini chocolate chips
raspberry preserves

Cream butter, sugars, salt, and vanilla; blend in flour and milk.  Stir in chocolate chips.  Shape dough into 1" balls and place on an ungreased cookie sheet.  Make a fingerprint in the cookies (kind of deep) and fill the indentation with preserves.  Bake around 10 minutes at 375.

Be careful taking these out of the oven as the preserves will be boiling, and boiling preserves act like napalm.

I generally double or triple this recipe so I can give some away, it really doesn't make that much.  Nelina took these to a neighborhood party, which is the only reason I made them... I'm not leaving my upset self at home with 4 dozen cookies, because soon there will just be a lot more of me to be upset and I'll be out of baked goods!

We also made a cheese dip (2 giant sticks of Velveeta and 2 cans of Rotel) which was good and also got taken to the party.  I attempted a coconut pie, but if you accidentally buy the wrong pudding mix then you just end up with a sweet coconut soup that is so thin it won't even clog the garbage disposal! :-)

Came home and didn't talk to Steve much, now it's the 5th and we've still barely acknowledged one another.

I called the mortgage company last week but they haven't logged in my application yet.  Must call again tomorrow.

Supposed to go to Nelina's tonight to drink, smoke, and bitch about men.... which is pretty much what we do (minus the smoking) almost every time I'm there. :-)

I received a call from my lienholder asking if I'd like to do a "workout" (not of the gym-going kind).  I have already requested once to have a restructuring of my mortgage but was denied due to my income level.  Apparently now it's different because of Obama's policies... the representative did a pre-pre-qualifier and determined that now I *do* in fact qualify to apply for a workout.  Strange.  I filled out all the forms and faxed them in a couple days later, if I'm successful then I'll be able to restructure the mortgage to a payment of roughly $550 a month (which I can afford).

The potential issue here is that Kenny is also listed as a borrower on the account, so I'm not sure how that will affect things.  He said he might be willing to sign a quit claim, but he'd prefer if I refinance the house to get his name off the mortgage - well duh, of course I'd rather get his name off the mortgage, only because it makes things much less complicated in the long run.  I'm hoping that GMAC will let me refinance and restructure at the same time, I have enough saved that I should be able to pay closing costs and I'm willing to buy the house for more than it's worth just so I can keep it.  I know someone who has done a restructure, they are put kind of on a trial basis until they prove they can afford the payment and then they will be allowed to refinance (same situation, there was a divorce and they need to get the ex-wife's name off the mortgage).

I saw Kenny yesterday, he sold his car and needed me to come sign the paperwork since my name is listed first on the loan.  He seems like he's doing well now and I'm happy for him, I miss his company on a friendship basis.  I think the right thing happened in us splitting up, he really is better off without me.

He told me that Jean-Paul left Joy (hallelujah!) - speaking of people who are better off splitting up.  I'm torn if I should call him or not, the last time I did it wasn't such a great conversation... he just said he was mad at me and didn't want to talk.  Maybe he's still mad?  I'd like to be able to offer support but I'm not sure if he wants it from me.  I told Kenny to ask Jean-Paul to call me, I hope that I hear from him.

If you're reading this, Jean-Paul:  I love you and I miss you.  I'll always be your friend, even if you never talk to me again.  I keep your daughter's picture on top of my computer.  For some reason I just started to cry.